Mind/Body Approach to Infertility: A New Beginning

It hardly needs to be restated that a woman who is experiencing infertility in her life is prone to intense feelings of anxiety, anger, powerlessness, helplessness, frustration and sadness. Having spent most of my professional life working with individuals with varying health problems including cancer, I have found that the suffering one experiences going through infertility often equals and surpasses the suffering of people with very serious illness. Research bears this out. I have now worked with women with infertility issues for a number of years – having been drawn to this specialty because of the enormity of the suffering women experience.

One reason that infertility is particularly agonizing is that often women who are in their child-bearing years are surrounded by friends and family who are having babies and this adds to the sense of aloneness and isolation. Often women begin to withdraw from people who have children or they begin to avoid situations which add to their silent pain. Well-meaning family members often say to the woman things like “just relax”, “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out”, “You’re still young…” None of this helps and in fact, often adds to a sense of feeling totally invalidated and alienated.

Couples who have had rich relationships with each other often find their conversations dominated by the theme of infertility. What used to be a relaxing night out with one another over dinner can turn out to be another discussion of their fertility problem. Many couples find themselves struggling with financial concerns because of the enormous cost of infertility medications and procedures which are often not covered by insurance. Sexual lives that were once exciting often lose passion and become routine.

Many of the women I work with are women who are articulate, successful, high-achieving, interesting and attractive in every way. They suddenly feel powerless in spite of their positive relationships and often excellent and successful careers.

If any of what I have said sounds familiar, you have quite a lot of company. The infertility process creates enormous challenges and the course is that of a roller coaster – one minute up and hopeful and the next moment, down.

What to do about all of this? There are no quick answers and there is never just one way to proceed. However, I have found in my years of working with women who have infertility issues that mind/body medicine can help in ways that no other interventions can help.

Mind/body approaches when used in conjunction with standard infertily treatment restore one’s sense of balance, equilibrium and sense of power. Put succinctly, when a woman has a mind/body practice, her quality of life is enhanced and she is in a sense “put back in her life again” Work, relationships and pastimes can be restored and life can once again be appreciated. In working with mind/body practices, a woman can regain control over her life and learn to live in the present moment – the only moment we have - This does not erase her wish to have a child. However, the infertility takes its proper perspective. Interestingly, when this happens and balance is restored, not only is one able to enjoy life again but often, women go on to have the children they so desperately want.

Mind/body approaches include deep, alert relaxation, the use of guided imagery and visualization, the practice of meditation, the cultivation of mindfulness ( an ancient Eastern practice of learning to live life in the present rather than the past or future) and cognitive restructuring. In order for these practices to be meaningful and to have an long-lasting effect, they must be practiced on a daily basis. When practiced over time, one experiences changes in her life. Others close by are witnesses to these changes as well. It has been my experience that many partners and husbands say that they see amazing, positive changes in their spouses and partners.

In the kind of society in which we live, people often look for instant results and fast answers. Mind/body work is not about speed. It is about practice and self-discovery and the results are often much more than one could have ever imagined. I have seen women change careers, go back to school, try something new in their lives, for example, as a result of mind/body practice.

Mind/body work is not for everyone. It requires a sense of commitment and discipline. A group setting is often the way to proceed when thinking about doing this work because the group provides the support and structure one needs to keep going. If an individual prefers to work on a one to one basis, this can also be done. Whether in a group or in a private setting, it is very important that the person is guided in order to sustain the work and to enrich the experience.

I am fond of saying that we do not have any moments in any of our lives to just “throw away.” Unfortunately, when consumed with infertility issues, this can often rob a person of the joy of life and moments that are precious are missed. None of us can afford to live this way. An additional joy to doing this work is that when a woman does become a mother, she can pass this way of living – this richness of her perspective and experience – on to her child.